<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The weight of Grief by nerdguy3000</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493948">The weight of Grief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdguy3000/pseuds/nerdguy3000'>nerdguy3000</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s05e10 The Slave of Duty, M/M, Mentioned Haley Hotchner, Minor Character Death, Season/Series 05, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Wakes &amp; Funerals</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:34:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,478</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdguy3000/pseuds/nerdguy3000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer struggles with his knee injury when Haley's funeral comes around and he can't help in the same way his partner does, Derek offers an alternative</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The weight of Grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Wrote this after watching Haley's funeral on my season 5 rewatch and imagined how Reid felt having to walk beside Morgan, then I made it gay</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” - C.S. Lewis</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Hotch didn’t even have to ask him, Derek knew and wanted to help carry Haley to her final resting place. He had seen the absolute grief on the older profiler’s face when as he held Haley in his arms one final time. That night he had gone home with Spencer, his partner of the last few years and they had held each other as tightly as physically possible. No words had been spoken, the two men too lost in their grief and the fear that this could have been them, they just held on and whispered soft ‘I love you’s into the quiet of their room. So, Derek had no problem doing this one last act for the woman that his superior had loved just as dearly as he loved his genius.</p><p> </p><p>But Derek had seen the look on Spencer’s face when he realised that because of his knee he wouldn’t be able to help. He had only been off his crutches for a few weeks and relied heavily on a cane and the knee brace. The fear that Derek had felt when they pulled up to Dr. Barton’s house and Spencer was on the ground, with a wound in his knee. He was afraid that his partner wouldn’t be able to walk again and would have to give up the job he so dearly loved. He had been incredibly lucky all things considered, months of physical therapy and walking aids were nothing compared to the loss of his mobility. But the broken look on his face almost brought Derek to tears.</p><p> </p><p>The night before the funeral they sat down to dinner together, as they did most nights, Derek could see that Spencer was deep in thought and had a good idea what was paining his young genius.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Spencer, what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Derek asked kindly, setting down a plate in front of his partner.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm? Oh nothing, just thinking about tomorrow?” Spencer replied, not making eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, I know what’s on your mind. But just because you aren’t going to help carry her doesn’t mean that you care about her or Hotch any less.” Derek took the younger man’s hand, forcing him to look up, eyes filled with tears.</p><p> </p><p>“I know it sounds dumb, but I just feel so useless.”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on pretty boy, you know that’s not true, you are gonna be there for Hotch and Jack, what you do doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that your there.”</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I can’t anything of value since I hurt my leg, I’m no help to you or Hotch or the team.” To make his point, Spencer hit his cane off the leg of the table, the noise reverberated around the silence of their shared apartment and broke Derek’s heart. Silent tears fell down the younger man’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“That is so far from the truth, you were injured while saving a man, and ever since then you’ve worked so hard on all our cases, you’ve been there for me as I’ve tried my best to lead this team. And tomorrow you are gonna just be there which is enough. Okay, Spencer, you are enough.” With those final words, he gathered the sobbing man into his arms and held him, occasionally whispering that Spencer was enough.</p><p> </p><p>“And look tomorrow, I’m gonna need you by my side okay, I’m not strong enough to do this on my own,” Derek said pulling back but keeping one hand on Spencer’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer wiped away his tears and looked up, “Okay.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next morning was sombre, both men dressed in silence, even when Derek stopped to help Spencer with his shoes as he had been doing most mornings. They lingered a little longer whenever they touched, today was a reminder of how easily they could lose one another. No words were needed as they gathered their things and left for the day, it was going to be a long hard day but as they drove toward the cemetery, Spencer let his hand rest on Derek’s in a show of love and support.</p><p> </p><p>As the team gathered, they all gave their quiet greetings and as the coffin’s arrived, the seven men who would help carry his burden of grief together all gathered. Derek gave Spencer’s hand a quick squeeze and moved into position. The walk was both the longest and shortest of Derek’s life, everyone was caught up in their own thought, the emotional weight was just as painful to carry. Derek thought about the first time he had asked Spencer on a date, he was terrified of being rejected, what if Spencer was offended or thought Derek was joking, or what if he didn’t want to date Derek. But once he had finally plucked up the courage and asked Spencer out, his handsome genius had given him the most beautiful smile and shyly agreed. He couldn’t even imagine the pain Hotch was feeling right now, knowing that he would never be able to see the beautiful smile of the one he loved. He snuck a glance over at Spencer whose eyes stayed almost glued to the grass, making sure no uneven ground would make him fall and feeling unnecessary and a little awkward but he knew there was nothing more he could do.</p><p> </p><p>As they approached the graveside, Derek felt his hand brush against Spencer’s, and in an unusual display of affection, he slipped his hand into Spencer’s and gave it a soft squeeze, they were doing this together. He felt some tension leave the young profiler as they took the final steps together and Derek lay the coffin down, waiting a brief moment and placing his hand on top for that last goodbye, a short prayer running through his mind. Then he turned and place a hand on Spencer’s back, leading them away from the coffin as people gathered and Hotch got ready to say his final words.</p><p> </p><p>They stood together with the other members of the team, listening to Hotch talk about Haley and the love they shared, he felt Spencer shift slightly and put some of his weight against Derek who in return, wrapped his arm around Spencer’s slim waist. He knew the standing was difficult for Spencer, but he also knew that he felt like it was his duty to stand there. He looked over and saw tears filling the young man’s eyes and held him just a little tighter, reassuring him, that he was by his side and would be for as long as he needed. Tears began to fall from Derek’s own eyes as Hotch read the passage from the play that he had performed with Haley at school. He and Spencer may not be high school sweethearts, but he knew that they were soulmates.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They sat in the reception, side by side, Derek saw Spencer rubbing his knee, the man had overexerted himself, but he knew it was something they had both needed to do. As the others talked and shared a few stories of the woman they had known, Derek leaned over.</p><p> </p><p>“You doing okay?” Derek asked soft, brushing his hand over Spencer’s.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just been a long day.” Spencer smiled sadly and looked up at his partner.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be glad to get some rest. Let me know if you need anything.”</p><p> </p><p>Spencer just nodded, averting his eyes slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean it pretty boy, I know your knee hurts, and if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”</p><p> </p><p>“I will Der, I will.”</p><p> </p><p>Then all too quickly, the sound of JJ and Morgan’s phones ringing brought them back to reality.</p><p> </p><p>“They can’t be calling us in, not tonight,” Derek said, opening his phone.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m on it,” JJ said, moving to get up. As Spencer looked around, he saw the same level of disbelief on everyone’s faces, couldn’t they just have one night to grieve together?</p><p> </p><p>“We can’t go,” Emily said voicing the thoughts of the table.</p><p> </p><p>“We have to,” Derek said standing, “I’ll get Rossi.”</p><p>As he left Spencer looked to JJ, “talk to Strauss, tell her to send another team.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s no other team available.” JJ began telling them the details of the case, but Spencer looked over his shoulder, looking to where Derek was about to inform Rossi and Hotch of the situation. At this point he wished anyone else was the leader of the team, Derek had taken on so much responsibility and now he had to lead a grieving team into another case.</p><p> </p><p>As they walked out, Derek slipped his hand into Spencer’s once again. This had been a hard day and their time grieving had been cut short but as long as they were together, they were going to be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All Feedback Appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>